From College Dreams to New Horizons: A Story of Growth

There comes a time in everyone’s lives when they start to rethink their dreams. Dreams they may have had for years and years. Maybe they feel they’re going to fail, so they give up, or maybe they feel like it’s not what they want anymore. That’s what happened to me. 

When I was little, maybe around 5 or 6, all I dreamed about was going to college. I never knew what I wanted to do, just that I wanted to go. I can’t remember when it started, but eventually, when my dream shifted, I wanted to go to school at New York University and then work at Harper Collins Publishing House. Spoiler alert: that dream did not come true. A lot of it was my fault. I didn’t do well in High School, so how was I going to get into that school? I think it’s when I got declined from there that things started really shifting for me. I didn’t want to think about it because it would be true. So, I started going to community college, as an English Major, and let me tell you that sucked. I was living at home and having to drive to class every day, ruining the full college experience I craved. So, after my first semester, I dropped out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I felt like all my dreams were crushed and wiped away like they never existed. It also hurt because not only was I disappointing myself, but I was also disappointing my family. 

I tried different colleges throughout the years, all online. I tried a creative writing major, an accounting major, and a business major. But none of those stuck; I just felt like I didn’t know who I was and who I wanted to be. But last year, I had a weird feeling that I wanted to be a teacher, something I had considered but never thought to pursue. So, I thought, what the heck, it won’t kill me to go into more debt? I signed up for an online teaching school. It’s been difficult, and the psychology course is really giving me a run for my money, but I’m sticking with it. We’re going to take it back here for a second, to my 2018 self, when I was 18 at the time. I have always loved writing, and having my blog was somewhat like a dream I had. So, my 18-year-old self tried to make that happen, but failed and gave up after posting 3 posts. My first post was about dreams, which caused me to write about them here as well. Let me share some snippets of this said post (mind you, I will not be editing any of the spelling or grammar mistakes I had made then)

  ~’A million dreams are keeping me awake.. A million dream is all it’s gonna take. A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make.’ ~ The Greatest Showman

         “When I was younger my dreams were normal, I wanted to become a singer, then a actress, then a writer who became so famous they wanted me to star in a movie about my book, then I married some amazing celebrity, and I live rich and happy.” ~ Wow, such huge dreams, to marry a celebrity! Jeez, Vicki, what did you think this world was, Wattpad?

“Now, my dreams have changed so much. Last year at this time I would of told you my dreams were to go to college, then in my Junior and Senior year at New York University I am a inter at Harper Collins Publishing house. Then while I publish books there after they hire me full time, I’m also having my own books published. I also had a huge belief that I was going to marry Harry Styles. So my dreams were a little different from when I was a kid.” ~ Ok, in my past defense, I still would like to believe I will marry Harry Styles. I will explain my obsession with him later, but that man will always be my dream.

“But today my dreams have changed so much. I don’t want to be college anymore, I hate it. I hate the fact that I hate it, because I’ve wanted to go to college since I knew what college was, and now I don’t wanna pursue it anymore, and that makes me upset. I don’t wanna work at Harper Collins now, or even go to New York University.” ~ I remember when I decided to drop out; it was the scariest and saddest moment I can think of. I kept telling myself that everyone is unhappy with their life, so why can’t I choose to stick with college and be unhappy as well? Why did I want to be happy? Even though dropping out didn’t make me happy, honestly, not a lot in my life has. But that is something I am working on now in therapy, something I didn’t have before; if I did, it could have helped. 

“I still want to publish my own books, because I will always love writing, it’s something I’m always doing. But what I really want to do now, is travel the world, write about my experience. See things I’ve never seen before. I’ve lived In Ohio my whole life, and yeah I’ve seen a few other states as a kid, but I wanna see them again, as an adult. I want to visit every 50 states, and most countries. I want to learn how to swim, I want to hike and climb a mountain. I want to experience everything I can before I’m too old or before I settle down and start a family.  See I’ve never been a people person, someone who likes going out and meeting new people, but I want to change that. I want to meet new people and make more friends, maybe I’ll meet the love of my life, so that I’m single forever. I want to learn new things,and then write about it.” ~ Traveling the world, seeing things I have never seen before, is still something I would love to do. Something I hope I can do, but it’s something I haven’t had a chance to. I think past me thought that once dropping out, I would have the time and money to travel, but that’s not true. I had the time but did not have any money; I had to go out and get a job. Which I think didn’t help pull me out of my funk at all. But once again, finally getting therapy and talking about my feelings has helped way more than I ever thought it could. 

I don’t think I’ll ever know why my dreams changed or what they fully get changed into, as I know I probably have a million running around in my head, but I do know that it’s ok. It’s ok if your dreams change, and it’s ok if sometimes they don’t, and you have the same dream your entire life, and that’s fine. I also know that it’s okay not to know your dreams; you don’t know what you want to do or who you want to be. It’s life, and in the beginning, you will be stressed and upset at the fact that you don’t know what your dreams are, and I’m here to tell you it’s okay to feel that way, because in the end, you’ll never fully reach your dreams because if you do then what else do you have to live for. You’re always going to find a new dream to have, so it is okay.

Question for everyone, what is your dream? Has it ever changed? How did it make you feel?